Then, "then" is different than "than"?

In recent years, I've noticed more and more people have no idea what the words "then" and "than" mean.  It is almost as dumb as the nearly universal misquote, "I could care less."  No doubt someone will wonder why I think that saying is dumb.  "I say that.  Everybody says that.  All my Facebook friends say, 'I could care less.'  What's wrong with that?"

Nearly everything.  I will try to make this clear.  The intended purpose of the (mis)statement, "I could care less" is to emphasize one's total lack of concern regarding some matter.  Any matter.  It doesn't matter what the matter might be because (and I'm quoting here), "I could care less."  Notice what I just said.  The statement is supposed to express "total lack of concern", with an emphasis on the word "lack".  If someone has complete and total lack of concern it means they do not care AT ALL.  None.  Zero care.  Absolute care-less-ness.  Lacking any and all care, at all.  0.  (Not to be confused with O.)

Now listen carefully, because this is important.  If one wants to express the fact that they have absolutely zero amount of care for some issue, they should NOT say, "I COULD care less".  What does that phrase mean?  "I COULD care less?" It means I do in fact possess some care, but it is possible that I might actually be able to muster up even less care.  I COULD conceivably care EVEN LESS than I care right now.

Get it?  If so, then say this with me: I couldn't care less.  I couldn't care less!  I could not care any less.  It is impossible that I could have less care.  The reason I could NOT care less is because I DON'T CARE AT ALL!  My heart and mind are running on empty in the Care Department.  Therefore, I couldn't possibly care less!  I could care more, but not less.  This is what you say when you want to publicly acknowledge that your Care Quotient is nil: I couldn't care less.

So if you say (because it is your intent to express your utter disdain for whatever it is you don't care about), "I COULD care less," plain English grammar and composition and Webster's Dictionary definitions all combine in this brief and unfortunate four-word sentence to make you sound uneducated, or simply confused about your own feelings and emotions.  So, please, even if you don't understand my explanation, trust me.  For the rest of your life, don't ever, ever say, "I could care less."  It is a display of ignorance if you do, and now you are without excuse.  You have been warned.  We are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are not intentionally trying to make yourself look dopey.  But only for so long.

On to the topic at hand.

My good friends, please listen carefully:  "Then" and "than" are two distinctly different words with totally different meanings.  The first (then) is a word that references some point in time.  Listen to me.  "Then" is related to time.  It has an "e" in the middle and is pronounced like "pen."  Pen.  Rhymes with then.  So if you say or write, "Two heads are better then one", I am sorry to have to break it to you, but that makes absolutely no sense.  What are you trying to say?  Two heads are better?  Then, at some later date, one?  One what?  One head?  You have two heads, and at a future point on the time line you then have one head?  I didn't think so.

The correct word is "than".  "Than" denotes comparison.  It has nothing to do with the passage of time or parallel universes or temporal fluxes or anything else remotely like that.  Two heads, when compared with one head, are much better!  Two heads are better THAN (in comparison to) one head!  I will not get into the correct interpretation of the phrase.  Just trust me.  Two heads are better than one.  Than, with an "a".  Rhymes with "pan".  Like, "Cletus, hand me that ink pan."

I understand many of you are Spell-Checker dependent.  On those fairly regular occasions when you mistakenly type an "e" instead of an "a", or vice versa, Spell-Checker is not smart enough to mark the word for you as being misspelled.  Because it's not.  "Then" and "than" are real words.  That's the way you spell them.  So unless you really couldn't care less, break your Spell-Checker dependency immediately.  Break the habit.  The then/than mistake is dopey.  Knock it off.  I say this to you only because I care.  A lot.  I suppose I care so much that I could care less.  But I don't.  I care very much.  Well, maybe I could care a little bit less.  But not much less.  Because this is important.

"Then" is different than "than."  So watch your thens and thans.  Then you will be smarter than most of the people who write blogs on the internet.  Or who write their friends on Facebook.  But what kind of friend wouldn't warn you of your blatant then/than errors?  Obviously they don't care about you as much as you have been led to believe.  If they did care, then they would correct your thans when you should be writing thens.  And vice versa.

But do I care?  I suppose I could care less . . .